Choice

In my last round of follow-up appointments with surgeon and radiologist, it was decided that another ultra-sound and mammogram are needed to explore a hardness that won't seem to heal. Since I am none too anxious for more surgery--which is what happened in May after the results of the last ultra-sound found a mass--I argued against these additional tests. But my radiologist assures me they are necessary to ensure that cancer is not involved and that surgery will only be recommended this time if there is a recurrence concern. It seems clear that because of radiation my cells are permanently altered and will not heal "correctly" ever again. The key now is strategy to deal with the site and pain.

I had so hoped to put this whole experience in my rear view mirror as a bump in the road or a detour on the journey. Now over 17 months after the original diagnosis and two surgeries later, I'm beginning to rethink that analogy because it only makes me anxious that I have not yet achieved that goal. So the question has become how to live even if I never make it back to my original route?

I think back to my hiking experience this summer in Whistler, Canada, with a group of adventure travelers who were all about the destination. They "raced" up mountains and missed out on a lot of wildflowers and wildlife. I thought maybe they were trying to get to the top more quickly in order to have more time enjoying the majestic views of the glacial lakes, but not long after they arrived at the top, they were anxious to head back down. It seemed they preferred to have "had" the experience more than wanting to savor the experience.

I'm not sure how you savor repeated setbacks with regard to medical treatment, but at least I'm choosing to avoid focusing on the destination. The next round of tests is scheduled for October 1. May I be attentive to the scenery along the way.